| eesh. |
[17 Feb 2007|11:47pm] |
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i haven't updated in a long time. shame on me! the only reason i really use livejournal anymore is to read rachel's lj, but i don't even comment because i suck. so. hmph.
anyway, this weekend has been asbolutely fantastic for so many reasons.
- talking with amandalex. holy crap.
- the perfect saturday: cuddling with danny and falling asleep in his wonderful room (his roommate is gone for the weekend!), sleeping, waking up together, breakfast with the young dems, natural sunlight and hanging around, dinner, nap, shower, and now we're watching a documentary, "the corporation." (that's right, rach. the corporation! haha)
i want to talk. i want to write. i want to hear and tell secrets. i'm in the mood for that thing called speaeasy, the thing i believe everyone else has perhaps forgotten.
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whisper your secrets
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| well then. |
[28 Nov 2006|02:03am] |
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mood |
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i want to purge but i can't.
it's been a while.
i didn't get diagnosed because it's been a while.
it's been a while because a month ago i ruptured my esophagus and thought it'd be a swell idea to hold off on wreching my guts out for a bit.
so. i didn't get diagnosed, i purged this weekend, and re-opened the open whateverthehellitis in my throat. all for nothing. it feels like i'm swallowing pieces of something every time i swallow. i wouldn't be surprised if i'm feeling ruptured tissue.
ugh.
i ate like shit today on top of it.
shitshitshit.
what do we have here?
- lucky charms with skim milk.
- half a plate of dinner. some salad food, some pasta, corn bread.
- frozen yogurt. a little piece of cake.
- two fistfulls of salad.
fat ass.
what happened to 2-4-6-8?
2-4-6-8 my ass.
why am i so fucking hungry right now?!
ajhsiklfghskfghjak lfgjha.
if i was absolutely thrilled at the idea of them using my intestines to repair my esophagus, i'd go throw it all up. but i'm not, so i won't.
but CHRIST does it sound perfect.
purging anorexia sucks serious ass.
..good thing i don't have it, eh doctor?
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1 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| it's what time?! |
[13 Nov 2006|04:32am] |
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mood |
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indeedy. it's 4:23am and i'm wide awake. i have to be up for class in 2 and a half hours. i HAVE to be up. we're reviewing for an exam i HAVE to get an A on. so.... yeeea....
this weekend really did a number on my sleeping schedule. i shouldn't be awake.
i want to sleeeeep.
tomorrow's going to be a tad stressful.
wakeup.
shower and whatnot.
psych.
soc.
honor's advising.
make counseling appointment. =/
study for math like crazy.
dinner.
study for psych like crazy.
mmmm.
studying. just the thought kind of makes me tired.
rachel and i are IMing each other and we're.. 7 feet away? haha.
this livejournal entry is entirely pointless and is really only entertaining me as i fall asleep.
i've missed live/deadjournal land where html makes sense. none of that weird coding crap that's on myspace.
okay, i'm off to get the names of the courses i want to take next year and write them down so i'm all ready for tomorrow. honors advising, yea!! ..
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whisper your secrets
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| i hate myself and i'm a bad friend |
[12 Nov 2006|02:13am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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i think i'm ruining things for rachel and daniel. i'm a bad friend and i do impulsive things. i'm so ashamed of myself. i don't know why i have no self control. i'm crazy and immature and stupid and embarrassing.
i had a dream that anyone who had my pajama pants was either elderly or mentally handicapped.
i wonder if that means anything.
i just want to run away.
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1 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| making my rounds, oh it's been so long |
[12 Nov 2006|12:47am] |
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mood |
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cold |
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i've come back after being sucked down by myspace.
i'm making my rounds, just like the old days.
it feels nice.
life has been busy and crazy. holy shit. and somehow, i'm still the same. younger if anything. it's funny how that works.
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whisper your secrets
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| LONG time, no update |
[09 Jul 2006|06:58pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
so, i've been updating my myspace blog, but all my blogs there suck. i miss just writing. i've lost a lot of myself.
i need to write more.
anyway, here is an update after not touching this thing forever.
wow..
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1 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| well then. |
[12 Nov 2005|01:54am] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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i should have been in bed 2 hours ago. fuck me.
flashbacks like crazy whoa.
feeling more and more immature.
he's "popping up" again and it's scaring the shit out of me, even though it has no reason to.
poor daniel.
our windshield needs to be replaced. some rocks blew out of a truck on the freeway, three lanes over. a sign on it said "gravel for sale." well, one rock put a small dent in one side of the windshield, and another rock hit the edge of the windshield so hard it started a crack that has now spread halfway across the windshield. fanfuckingtastic. my dad can get some sort of discount because he works for avis, which is cool, but windshields go for about $1000. great.
i'm a fatass again. i want to see bones in my back.
i hate my body so much.
today i told daniel i wanted to erase myself out of existence. that was interesting to me.
i hate school.
it makes me feel stupid.
i feel stupid that i can't shake this. growthefuckup. it's over.
christ.
whatever.
thursday night, daniel, rachel, and i went to see jarhead. i sobbed the whole way through. sometimes harder than others. it was crazy. when we got home, i just layed on the floor and stared at the ceiling for a while. i felt like i was in shock. i couldn't think straight. that movie was some kind of powerful.
and now i need to sleep.. because i have to be up in 5 hours and 58 minutes.
goodnight.
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whisper your secrets
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| (not) eat much? |
[01 Nov 2005|09:34pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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couldn't dance today worth a crap.
got frustrated.
mrs. dickerson tried talking to me.
i ended up crying a little. it was a frustrated cry. not a sob, it was weird.
anyway.
ended up telling her about (not) eating bullcrap.
this is interesting.
we'll see how this goes.
i just want to get thinner, though.
i kind of regret saying anything.
what if i lose weight?
is she going to get upset?
crap.
i don't know.
but that's how dance went, and i missed 25 minutes of french.
the end.
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whisper your secrets
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| awww daniel |
[22 Sep 2005|11:16pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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i so didn't need an online quiz to tell me this.. but it's cute anyway!
| Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage | 
You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to! |
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whisper your secrets
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| posting something... |
[20 Sep 2005|11:08pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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...when i should be doing homework.
anyway.
i'm either not doing OO for tournament and only doing TI, or not going to the september tournament at all. for october, i'm definitely doing TI, and if we can work it out, a duo with daniel. pleasepleaseplease.
sometimes when i look at amber, i get really nervous. like she knows something. but no one's said anything, so i think i'm safe.
i absolutely hate school. i hate going. i always feel so stupid at the end of the day. each class is like an embarassing moment where i want to crawl in a hole and hide and pretend i'm not really there. calculus. art. not so much in government, or creative writing, or dance. but french. and especially comp/lit. ugh. i think every day, i wake up hating myself more than i did the day before.
i disgust myself.
oh, and i'm a fatass with low self esteem.
at least i could be a smart fatass, or be dumb and thin. but no. i have to be fat and dumb.
there's no justice.
art hates me like i hate pulp-y orange juice.
and now, after that thoroughly lovely and of course, not at all emo, rant, i must get back to my rough draft for hampton.
'night.
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3 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| julie's talking. |
[12 Sep 2005|10:12pm] |
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 blank |
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just getting it out of my system, feel free to ignore. please don't attack.
my ramblings from today, from an assortment of classes::
-you infect me.-
i want to throw up my past.
not you.
you're not inside me or part of me.
but you left something of yours in my bloodstream
like a disease.
like a virus.
like if i could purge you from my system
it'd be all better again.
like it never existed
ever.
i have that sick feeling in my stomach, that worn feeling in my eyes. i don't feel so bad anymore. I don't feel good, either. just sick, and sort of numb.
i have to snap out of this. i can't just keep using my "pain" as an excuse for not working. i have to get ouf of this. not for my sake, just the sake of my transcript.
why is this upsetting me now?! i mean really. why now?! and why can't i just go back to how i felt about it on friday? and why is it so difficult now?
if i talk to anyone, i'm afraid they'll just look at me and say, "well, that's sucks." but really, what else would there be for them to say?
i really wish i had known better. it really sort of kills my validity having stayed in close contact with [you].
- - and that's all. thanks and have a good day.
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whisper your secrets
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| julie = math? |
[06 Sep 2005|09:59pm] |
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i don't want to tell anyone, because that would make it true. and i don't want it to be true.
but i'm afraid to tell anyone, because i'm afraid they'd reject all of its validity. and that would be embarrassing and insulting.
i'm driving myself crazy.
i always say, no one else would know better.
why can't i trust that now? why do i always need someone else to tell me i'm right? or agree with someone when they tell me i'm wrong, even if they really don't have a clue?
i need to figure myself out.
i feel like a calculus problem.
i suck at calculus.
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1 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| update? |
[05 Sep 2005|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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i felt like i should update or something.
well, i haven't procrastinated at all this week, and i've been doing homework every day but i somehow got plastered with homework this weekend. i have time to kill now because i need help from tara and she's still figuring things out.. but yea. we're almost done.
tomorrow, i have to:
buy art supplies
buy mrs. clark's birthday present
work on my name art
make sure i have all of my creative writing stuff
and that's it, because i did all of my other homework today.
tara's about to get off the phone with chase. she finished #26. bye time.
♥
p.s. i learned something new about myself, and it made me angry and ashamed. blah.
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whisper your secrets
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| school. |
[20 Aug 2005|12:03pm] |
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so i nagged the hell out of the counseling people, and mr. nelson called me today. :)
he's not even my real counselor, and it's a saturday. he rocks my socks.
anyway, ap stats is 6th period, which is during my block, so i sadly can't take it. :(
so i only have 3 ap classes, 3 electives, and my major. not so bad. here's my schedule:
(caroline, post yours!! i want to know yours. and anyone else, if you have it, post it!)
1. ap calculus
2. art 1
3. ap government
4. ap comp/lit creative writing
5. dance
6. dance
7. french 3 h
8. creative writing ap comp/lit
my even days kick ass. art, english, dance, creative writing. ooooh yea. :)
so, i didn't get ap physics, but my new schedule doesn't suck so bad. and it barely had to change. coolness.
edit: while tara was on the phone with mr. nelson, he asked if i wanted to switch 4th and 8th period so i'd be in the smaller classes and have the classes with tara. at first i said no, but then i agreed. so.. yea. there.
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3 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| hmmm. |
[19 Aug 2005|01:40am] |
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the thing about bri is that you never know when she's mad at something you said or did, and when she's really mad with you.
either way, it's interesting. :)
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1 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| i fail. new layout featuring caitlyn. |
[17 Aug 2005|12:59am] |
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i made a new layout because i just hated my breakfast club one.
this one's not much better. i never should have gotten rid of my shoe one. maybe i'll bring it back.
anyway, this one has a lot of pink. and again, it only works best with an 800x600 screen res. otherwise, you'll just get the bare minimum. which is my entries. :P
***
i have to wake up at 7:30am tomorrow/today. and i'm not at all tired yet.
i feel like fat crap.
i hate my livejournal layouts.
i wish i knew some real html.
i wish the picture in this layout would work for all screen resolutions. i really wonder how people do that. x.x
help?
oh, and another thing. i was just fine when daniel was gone for a week in texas. now he's been gone for 24 hours and i feel like crying and want to call him. what the hell.
i'm not smart enough to be a highschool senior. shit.
i'm going to fail comp/lit ap because i don't seem to understand anything and my bullshitting skills won't be able to apply anymore.
i'm going to fail calculus ap because i can't seem to apply myself.
i'm going to be made a mockery of in art because all the other kids in there will be the kids who have a lot of art talent but just chose to major in something else.
i'm going to get more Bs in french because ms. i'm-a-bitch dymond doesn't prepare for exams and doesn't hand back old tests. oh, and i still have to fix that mistake that i'm afraid isn't a mistake after all, the B she gave me on my report card when i got an A for both 3rd and 4th quarter and only a B on the exam that i'm sure i got higher than an 80% on.
i have no friends. no one believes me. it's fucking true. i was so lonely last year, it was embarrassing. i went to school in the morning and went into frazier. i sat with bobbi, amandalex, danielle, jason, aimee, sam, and victoria. i sat and listened to them talk, because they barely said anything to me. and though i did make small talk with them, it's not like i ever really talked to them for any other part of the day. then i went to each class alone because i had no one to walk with. except from 1st to 3rd and from 2nd to 4th, because i had cari. who sometimes ditched me anyway. on odd day lunches, i went to the library and didn't eat all by myself. i walked to dance alone. on even days, i sat with a bunch of people who didn't talk to me. and then walked to dance alone. i walked to my car alone. i drove home. i got home, and talked to my boyfriend. then i called no one. no one called me. no one talked to me. i didn't talk to anyone. i have 39476356735496 people to keep me company in class. i have 1 or no people to walk to class with me. because everyone else has their friends already. i have 4 people to sit with at lunch every other day, and no people to talk to. i have 39476356735496 people to ask me what's wrong if i look sad in class, but not one of those people will call me that night to see if i'm feeling better. i have no one to share inside jokes with. i have no parties to go to. i'm so damn alone. **this all applies to school. because i have two fantastic people outside of school that make everything alright.** anyway, i can't help but feel like i did this myself. in 9th grade, i had friends who either left at the end of the year or graduated at the end of the year. i had a boyfriend left, and he became my world. during sophomore year, my forensics buddies were my greatest friends. i can't remember who i ever ate lunch with that year. junior year, i had no boyfriend at school and since i never got close with anyone because i was spending so much time getting close with my boyfriend, i had no one. and that's how that all went.
when i start school in 2 weeks, it'll be an extension of the 2nd semester of junior year. no friends and struggling in school like you wouldn't believe.
and i can't help but think dating daniel is what made my grades so scraping-by. i spent way too much time with him. he had way less homework than i did. it just didn't work out. so this year, i just can't allow myself to see him on school nights except maybe for 1 hour when i get home. and i can't allow myself to be online, period. or talk to him on the phone except for 30 minutes until 10pm. and on weekends when i have projects, i can only see him after 7pm on saturday nights and not at all on sunday.
that's the way it has to be. i have 4 ap classes. it can't be any other way.
my self esteem dropped so much this year. i was struggling in school. and it HURT. my transcript looks like shit. i got 2 Bs in one semester, and even though one is a mistake, i have the feeling i won't be able to get it changed.
i was so stupid. i was one of those kids that got low test grades. i was one of those kids i never wanted to be. i was average, and it made me want to throw up all over myself.
and i had no friends.
and i thought i was fat and ugly anyway.
so i was this fat, ugly, stupid girl who had no friends.
then my ACT scores sucked.
then my SAT scores sucked.
then my AP score sucked. it sucked so bad, all i would have to do to make you believe i was a dumbass would be to tell you. and then you'd have to believe me. i'm not kidding.
my self esteem was so low, i would tease daniel because it made me feel better.
me: daniel, who was president during the crash of '29?
daniel: roosevelt?
me: DASH! hoover.
it seemed in fun, but i did it because it made me feel like i was smarter than at least 1 more person.
then daniel remembered that hoover was president during the crash of '29. and i was stupid again.
and that's another thing. i'm so upset with myself, i'm taking it out on daniel.
and i don't even think he knows it.
it's disgusting, and it makes me cry.
it's just that i have to do it to someone, and he's the only one i'm around nearly 24/7.
i had written a really sad poem 2 years ago. and he was clearly very sad. he said it was well written, but he couldn't get the sad image out of his mind. so instead of making him feel better, you know what i did?
i started saying things to make it worse.
he asked me why i was doing it.
i can't remember what i used as a lie,
but the real answer would be "because i want to rub my fantastic poem in your face over and over and over again because you said it was well written and i want you to not be able to think about anything else for a while."
...
i was hurting the person i love most in this world, and it made me want to throw up all over myself.
i'm president of the honor society. i ran unopposed.
at the end of the year, we got all of the new members' phone numbers etc. then maggie, the secretary, said she'd make an official list herself. ..fine.
then she calls everyone about graduation hours.
then she calls everyone about an opportunity to get hours by helping student council stuff packets.
CHRIST!
i'm the goddamn president! this is MY job!
what a shitty president i am. and i know it's because she's overstepping a little, but i still feel so bad.
my boyfriend is better at everything than i am.
he weighs 9 pounds more than me and is 4 inches taller.
he has a lower GPA and has a higher class rank than i do.
what the FUCK.
i'm working hard at a school with overly-high standards for nothing.
i could leave LVA and it wouldn't matter. why? okay, here's why. all of highschool matters for ONE reason. and that's college. daniel and i are going to the same college. we're both going to get in. I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THE HELL OF LVA FOR NOTHING. i didn't even get the classic highschool experience. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING MASCOT!
why couldn't i have realized this sooner?
i'm so unhappy.
i should transfer at semester. i can't take this anymore.
fuck. now i'm crying.
this is disgusting.
i feel like i'm not a real person. i feel like i'm invalid. i feel like i don't truly exist.
like i'm living in an alternative world, not a real one.
and/or like my friends are all real. everything around me is real. but i'm not.
i feel like i'm sloppy. that i'm a sloppy thing.
a sloppy, mismatched, invalid, nonexistant thing.
i wonder if there's a psychological term for that.
i hate going to bed feeling this way. i hate crying myself to sleep.
ya know, i cut my hip the other day because i was manic and just irritated with everything.
i think i may end up cutting again because i'm depressed and want to hurt myself.
usually i wouldn't because i know i'd feel guilty after anyway, but last time, i didn't feel guilty at all. i felt better.
so fuck, it's tempting.
i can't keep hurting this badly. SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE.
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5 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| wow. |
[16 Aug 2005|05:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
i hate.
myself.
so much.
in other news, bri and i are having one of those weird moments, where we'd probably be raising our voices if we weren't online. but we're not really mad. it's interesting. this myspace chat thing is pretty cool.
my sister is making soup. she started it this morning and it's still not done yet. she had to make the chicken broth herself. my sister is weird.
sometime, rachel and i are making it down to starbucks.
and i need to take a shower eventually.
daniel forgot that he said he'd call me, and that made me sad. oh well. he also hasn't responded to the text message i sent. guess i shouldn't be bothering him on his trip, but i really was sad that he forgot me.
that's one.
screw me.
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2 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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| surprise! let's go on a 5 day vacation! |
[06 Aug 2005|04:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 dorky |
] |
so dad finally told me all the plans for our trip this morning/yesterday afternoon. and what i thought would be a 48 hour dealie is actually a trip that will last about 5 days and involves hotel-hopping.
it's a road trip like whoa: 2 ghost towns, 2 state parks, a hike up to lexington arch, and who else knows what.
dad said we'll probably get home on wednesday, but might get back tuesday. so tuesday at the earliest. i really don't think we can stretch this thing for 6 days, so my money is on wednesday.
so.. i'll be around, somewhere in nevada for a while.
i have my cell phone, call if you really need to. 1-702-340-6793. daniel has my house key to keep my animals company.
it's all good.
i have to get in the shower. we're leaving in about 45 minutes.
byyye! ♥
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1 screamed instead ♥ whisper your secrets
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xxjuliet's journal
sick