the truth is so damn loud.

eesh.

2007-02-18T07:52:08Z

i haven't updated in a long time. shame on me! the only reason i really use livejournal anymore is to read rachel's lj, but i don't even comment because i suck. so. hmph.

anyway, this weekend has been asbolutely fantastic for so many reasons.
- talking with amandalex. holy crap.
- the perfect saturday: cuddling with danny and falling asleep in his wonderful room (his roommate is gone for the weekend!), sleeping, waking up together, breakfast with the young dems, natural sunlight and hanging around, dinner, nap, shower, and now we're watching a documentary, "the corporation." (that's right, rach. the corporation! haha)

i want to talk. i want to write. i want to hear and tell secrets. i'm in the mood for that thing called speaeasy, the thing i believe everyone else has perhaps forgotten.

well then.

2006-11-28T10:03:44Z

i want to purge but i can't.
it's been a while.
i didn't get diagnosed because it's been a while.
it's been a while because a month ago i ruptured my esophagus and thought it'd be a swell idea to hold off on wreching my guts out for a bit.

so. i didn't get diagnosed, i purged this weekend, and re-opened the open whateverthehellitis in my throat. all for nothing. it feels like i'm swallowing pieces of something every time i swallow. i wouldn't be surprised if i'm feeling ruptured tissue.

ugh.

i ate like shit today on top of it.
shitshitshit.

what do we have here?
- lucky charms with skim milk.
- half a plate of dinner. some salad food, some pasta, corn bread.
- frozen yogurt. a little piece of cake.
- two fistfulls of salad.

fat ass.

what happened to 2-4-6-8?
2-4-6-8 my ass.

why am i so fucking hungry right now?!

ajhsiklfghskfghjak lfgjha.

if i was absolutely thrilled at the idea of them using my intestines to repair my esophagus, i'd go throw it all up. but i'm not, so i won't.
but CHRIST does it sound perfect.

purging anorexia sucks serious ass.
..good thing i don't have it, eh doctor?

i did it!

2006-11-13T23:19:53Z

i made the counseling appointment! :)

i hope counseling helps.. =/

it's what time?!

2006-11-13T12:32:19Z

indeedy. it's 4:23am and i'm wide awake. i have to be up for class in 2 and a half hours. i HAVE to be up. we're reviewing for an exam i HAVE to get an A on. so.... yeeea....

this weekend really did a number on my sleeping schedule. i shouldn't be awake.

i want to sleeeeep.

tomorrow's going to be a tad stressful.

~~wakeup.~~
~~shower and whatnot.~~
~~psych.~~
~~soc.~~
~~honor's advising.~~
~~make counseling appointment. =/~~
study for math like crazy.
dinner.
study for psych like crazy.

mmmm.

studying. just the thought kind of makes me tired.

rachel and i are IMing each other and we're.. 7 feet away? haha.

this livejournal entry is entirely pointless and is really only entertaining me as i fall asleep.

i've missed live/deadjournal land where html makes sense. none of that weird coding crap that's on myspace.

okay, i'm off to get the names of the courses i want to take next year and write them down so i'm all ready for tomorrow. honors advising, yea!! ..

i hate myself and i'm a bad friend

2006-11-12T10:13:51Z

i think i'm ruining things for rachel and daniel. i'm a bad friend and i do impulsive things. i'm so ashamed of myself. i don't know why i have no self control. i'm crazy and immature and stupid and embarrassing.

i had a dream that anyone who had my pajama pants was either elderly or mentally handicapped.
i wonder if that means anything.

i just want to run away.

making my rounds, oh it's been so long

2006-11-12T08:47:42Z

i've come back after being sucked down by myspace.

i'm making my rounds, just like the old days.
it feels nice.

life has been busy and crazy. holy shit. and somehow, i'm still the same. younger if anything. it's funny how that works.

LONG time, no update

2006-07-10T02:00:03Z

so, i've been updating my myspace blog, but all my blogs there suck. i miss just writing. i've lost a lot of myself.

i need to write more.

anyway, here is an update after not touching this thing forever.

wow..

funstuff.

2005-11-20T02:57:47Z

i'm bored/not feeling so well..
sooo...

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Juliet
Birthday:	09.09.88
Birthplace:	Olathe, Kansas
Current Location:	Henderson, Nevada
Eye Color:	Blue/Green/Gray
Hair Color:	Blonde
Height:	5'1"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	25% Polish, 25% Austrian, 50% English/German/Swiss
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Black high-top Converse Chucks
Your Weakness:	I'm too forgiving.
Your Fears:	Death
Your Perfect Pizza:	Plain cheese, or supreme.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Hmm... Not sure...
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"lol" or "like whoa"
Thoughts First Waking Up:	"agh."
Your Best Physical Feature:	My legs - they're all shapely like and stronger than yours. :D
Your Bedtime:	Whenever I'm done with my homework.
Your Most Missed Memory:	Any time at Disneyland.
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds. ..and it's Mc, not Mac. Pshhh.
Single or Group Dates:	Both are nice, but single are nicest.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Either.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Swirl! Ha.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee.
Do you Smoke:	No.
Do you Swear:	Yes.
Do you Sing:	Not well.. :P
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes.
Have you Been in Love:	I still am. :)
Do you want to go to College:	Yes. ..are there people who don't? o.O;
Do you want to get Married:	Yes.
Do you belive in yourself:	Eh. Sometimes.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Not that I know of.
Do you think you are Attractive:	Eh. Sometimes.
Are you a Health Freak:	No.
Do you get along with your Parents:	My dad...
Do you like Thunderstorms:	LOVE them.
Do you play an Instrument:	I played violin for 4 or 5 years.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	ummm.. I think so.
In the past month have you Smoked:	Nope.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nope.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yep! :)
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	I just went today! and got 2 pairs of jeans! yay!!! :D
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No..
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Yes! PeopleSpeak was on a stage. :P
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Nope.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Not in the past month.. ;)
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Nope.
Ever been Drunk:	Nope, just tipsy and then sick.
Ever been called a Tease:	No. I don't think so. Sometimes Daniel calls me a tease to tease me. So wouldn't that make HIM a tease? :P
Ever been Beaten up:	Nope.
Ever Shoplifted:	Nope.
How do you want to Die:	I don't.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	A psychologist/novelist/happy mommy. the /s mean all three, not either. :P
What country would you most like to Visit:	France or England.
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Doesn't matter. Deep brown is nice, though.
Favourite Hair Color:	Doesn't matter.
Short or Long Hair:	Doesn't matter.
Height:	Between 5'4" and 5'7". JJ at 6"whatever was just too tall for little me.
Weight:	I just happen to like 'em thin and muscular. I'm picky. I don't like average or heavy guys. I like 'em really little. :)
Best Clothing Style:	umm.. whatever?
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Why is this in the boy/girl category? whatever. anyway, I've been on 9237526526206 prescription drugs.
Number of CDs I own:	A lot.
Number of Piercings:	7.
Number of Tattoos:	None.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Who knows.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

well then.

2005-11-12T10:02:51Z

i should have been in bed 2 hours ago. fuck me.

flashbacks like crazy whoa.
feeling more and more immature.
he's "popping up" again and it's scaring the shit out of me, even though it has no reason to.
poor daniel.

our windshield needs to be replaced. some rocks blew out of a truck on the freeway, three lanes over. a sign on it said "gravel for sale." well, one rock put a small dent in one side of the windshield, and another rock hit the edge of the windshield so hard it started a crack that has now spread halfway across the windshield. fanfuckingtastic. my dad can get some sort of discount because he works for avis, which is cool, but windshields go for about $1000. great.

i'm a fatass again. i want to see bones in my back.
i hate my body so much.

today i told daniel i wanted to erase myself out of existence. that was interesting to me.

i hate school.
it makes me feel stupid.

i feel stupid that i can't shake this. growthefuckup. it's over.
christ.
whatever.

thursday night, daniel, rachel, and i went to see jarhead. i sobbed the whole way through. sometimes harder than others. it was crazy. when we got home, i just layed on the floor and stared at the ceiling for a while. i felt like i was in shock. i couldn't think straight. that movie was some kind of powerful.

and now i need to sleep.. because i have to be up in 5 hours and 58 minutes.

goodnight.

(not) eat much?

2005-11-02T05:36:45Z

couldn't dance today worth a crap.
got frustrated.
mrs. dickerson tried talking to me.
i ended up crying a little. it was a frustrated cry. not a sob, it was weird.
anyway.
ended up telling her about (not) eating bullcrap.
this is interesting.
we'll see how this goes.
i just want to get thinner, though.
i kind of regret saying anything.
what if i lose weight?
is she going to get upset?
crap.
i don't know.

but that's how dance went, and i missed 25 minutes of french.

the end.

awww daniel

2005-09-23T06:16:51Z

i so didn't need an online quiz to tell me this.. but it's cute anyway!

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

posting something...

2005-09-21T06:15:46Z

...when i should be doing homework.

anyway.
i'm either not doing OO for tournament and only doing TI, or not going to the september tournament at all. for october, i'm definitely doing TI, and if we can work it out, a duo with daniel. pleasepleaseplease.

sometimes when i look at amber, i get really nervous. like she knows something. but no one's said anything, so i think i'm safe.

i absolutely hate school. i hate going. i always feel so stupid at the end of the day. each class is like an embarassing moment where i want to crawl in a hole and hide and pretend i'm not really there. calculus. art. not so much in government, or creative writing, or dance. but french. and especially comp/lit. ugh. i think every day, i wake up hating myself more than i did the day before.

i disgust myself.

oh, and i'm a fatass with low self esteem.
at least i could be a smart fatass, or be dumb and thin. but no. i have to be fat and dumb.
there's no justice.

art hates me like i hate pulp-y orange juice.

and now, after that thoroughly lovely and of course, not at all emo, rant, i must get back to my rough draft for hampton.
'night.

julie's talking.

2005-09-13T05:19:41Z

just getting it out of my system, feel free to ignore. please don't attack.
my ramblings from today, from an assortment of classes::

-you infect me.-
i want to throw up my past.
not you.
you're not inside me or part of me.
but you left something of yours in my bloodstream
like a disease.
like a virus.
like if i could purge you from my system
it'd be all better again.
like it never existed
ever.

i have that sick feeling in my stomach, that worn feeling in my eyes. i don't feel so bad anymore. I don't feel good, either. just sick, and sort of numb.
i have to snap out of this. i can't just keep using my "pain" as an excuse for not working. i have to get ouf of this. not for my sake, just the sake of my transcript.
why is this upsetting me now?! i mean really. why now?! and why can't i just go back to how i felt about it on friday? and why is it so difficult now?
if i talk to anyone, i'm afraid they'll just look at me and say, "well, that's sucks." but really, what else would there be for them to say?

i really wish i had known better. it really sort of kills my validity having stayed in close contact with [you].

- - and that's all. thanks and have a good day.

julie = math?

2005-09-07T05:02:36Z

i don't want to tell anyone, because that would make it true. and i don't want it to be true.
but i'm afraid to tell anyone, because i'm afraid they'd reject all of its validity. and that would be embarrassing and insulting.

i'm driving myself crazy.

i always say, no one else would know better.
why can't i trust that now? why do i always need someone else to tell me i'm right? or agree with someone when they tell me i'm wrong, even if they really don't have a clue?

i need to figure myself out.

i feel like a calculus problem.
i suck at calculus.

update?

2005-09-06T04:58:33Z

i felt like i should update or something.

well, i haven't procrastinated at all this week, and i've been doing homework every day but i somehow got plastered with homework this weekend. i have time to kill now because i need help from tara and she's still figuring things out.. but yea. we're almost done.

tomorrow, i have to:
buy art supplies
buy mrs. clark's birthday present
work on my name art
make sure i have all of my creative writing stuff

and that's it, because i did all of my other homework today.

tara's about to get off the phone with chase. she finished #26. bye time.
♥

p.s. i learned something new about myself, and it made me angry and ashamed. blah.

school.

2005-08-20T19:05:40Z

so i nagged the hell out of the counseling people, and mr. nelson called me today. :)
he's not even my real counselor, and it's a saturday. he rocks my socks.

anyway, ap stats is 6th period, which is during my block, so i sadly can't take it. :(
so i only have 3 ap classes, 3 electives, and my major. not so bad. here's my schedule:
(caroline, post yours!! i want to know yours. and anyone else, if you have it, post it!)

1. ap calculus
2. art 1
3. ap government
4. ~~ap comp/lit~~ creative writing
5. dance
6. dance
7. french 3 h
8. ~~creative writing~~ ap comp/lit

my even days kick ass. art, english, dance, creative writing. ooooh yea. :)
so, i didn't get ap physics, but my new schedule doesn't suck so bad. and it barely had to change. coolness.

edit: while tara was on the phone with mr. nelson, he asked if i wanted to switch 4th and 8th period so i'd be in the smaller classes and have the classes with tara. at first i said no, but then i agreed. so.. yea. there.

hmmm.

2005-08-19T08:42:02Z

the thing about bri is that you never know when she's mad at something you said or did, and when she's really mad with you.

either way, it's interesting. :)

i fail. new layout featuring caitlyn.

2005-08-17T08:52:23Z

i made a new layout because i just hated my breakfast club one.
this one's not much better. i never should have gotten rid of my shoe one. maybe i'll bring it back.

anyway, this one has a lot of pink. and again, it only works best with an 800x600 screen res. otherwise, you'll just get the bare minimum. which is my entries. :P

***

i have to wake up at 7:30am tomorrow/today. and i'm not at all tired yet.
i feel like fat crap.
i hate my livejournal layouts.
i wish i knew some real html.
i wish the picture in this layout would work for all screen resolutions. i really wonder how people do that. x.x

help?

oh, and another thing. i was just fine when daniel was gone for a week in texas. now he's been gone for 24 hours and i feel like crying and want to call him. what the hell.
i'm not smart enough to be a highschool senior. shit.
i'm going to fail comp/lit ap because i don't seem to understand anything and my bullshitting skills won't be able to apply anymore.
i'm going to fail calculus ap because i can't seem to apply myself.
i'm going to be made a mockery of in art because all the other kids in there will be the kids who have a lot of art talent but just chose to major in something else.
i'm going to get more Bs in french because ms. i'm-a-bitch dymond doesn't prepare for exams and doesn't hand back old tests. oh, and i still have to fix that mistake that i'm afraid isn't a mistake after all, the B she gave me on my report card when i got an A for both 3rd and 4th quarter and only a B on the exam that i'm sure i got higher than an 80% on.
i have no friends. no one believes me. it's fucking true. i was so lonely last year, it was embarrassing. i went to school in the morning and went into frazier. i sat with bobbi, amandalex, danielle, jason, aimee, sam, and victoria. i sat and listened to them talk, because they barely said anything to me. and though i did make small talk with them, it's not like i ever really talked to them for any other part of the day. then i went to each class alone because i had no one to walk with. except from 1st to 3rd and from 2nd to 4th, because i had cari. who sometimes ditched me anyway. on odd day lunches, i went to the library and didn't eat all by myself. i walked to dance alone. on even days, i sat with a bunch of people who didn't talk to me. and then walked to dance alone. i walked to my car alone. i drove home. i got home, and talked to my boyfriend. then i called no one. no one called me. no one talked to me. i didn't talk to anyone. i have 39476356735496 people to keep me company in class. i have 1 or no people to walk to class with me. because everyone else has their friends already. i have 4 people to sit with at lunch every other day, and no people to talk to. i have 39476356735496 people to ask me what's wrong if i look sad in class, but not one of those people will call me that night to see if i'm feeling better. i have no one to share inside jokes with. i have no parties to go to. i'm so damn alone. **this all applies to school. because i have two fantastic people outside of school that make everything alright.** anyway, i can't help but feel like i did this myself. in 9th grade, i had friends who either left at the end of the year or graduated at the end of the year. i had a boyfriend left, and he became my world. during sophomore year, my forensics buddies were my greatest friends. i can't remember who i ever ate lunch with that year. junior year, i had no boyfriend at school and since i never got close with anyone because i was spending so much time getting close with my boyfriend, i had no one. and that's how that all went.
when i start school in 2 weeks, it'll be an extension of the 2nd semester of junior year. no friends and struggling in school like you wouldn't believe.

and i can't help but think dating daniel is what made my grades so scraping-by. i spent way too much time with him. he had way less homework than i did. it just didn't work out. so this year, i just can't allow myself to see him on school nights except maybe for 1 hour when i get home. and i can't allow myself to be online, period. or talk to him on the phone except for 30 minutes until 10pm. and on weekends when i have projects, i can only see him after 7pm on saturday nights and not at all on sunday.
that's the way it has to be. i have 4 ap classes. it can't be any other way.

my self esteem dropped so much this year. i was struggling in school. and it HURT. my transcript looks like shit. i got 2 Bs in one semester, and even though one is a mistake, i have the feeling i won't be able to get it changed.
i was so stupid. i was one of those kids that got low test grades. i was one of those kids i never wanted to be. i was average, and it made me want to throw up all over myself.
and i had no friends.
and i thought i was fat and ugly anyway.
so i was this fat, ugly, stupid girl who had no friends.
then my ACT scores sucked.
then my SAT scores sucked.
then my AP score sucked. it sucked so bad, all i would have to do to make you believe i was a dumbass would be to tell you. and then you'd have to believe me. i'm not kidding.
my self esteem was so low, i would tease daniel because it made me feel better.
me: daniel, who was president during the crash of '29?
daniel: roosevelt?
me: DASH! hoover.
it seemed in fun, but i did it because it made me feel like i was smarter than at least 1 more person.
then daniel remembered that hoover was president during the crash of '29. and i was stupid again.

and that's another thing. i'm so upset with myself, i'm taking it out on daniel.
and i don't even think he knows it.
it's disgusting, and it makes me cry.
it's just that i have to do it to someone, and he's the only one i'm around nearly 24/7.
i had written a really sad poem 2 years ago. and he was clearly very sad. he said it was well written, but he couldn't get the sad image out of his mind. so instead of making him feel better, you know what i did?
i started saying things to make it worse.
he asked me why i was doing it.
i can't remember what i used as a lie,
but the real answer would be "because i want to rub my fantastic poem in your face over and over and over again because you said it was well written and i want you to not be able to think about anything else for a while."
...
i was hurting the person i love most in this world, and it made me want to throw up all over myself.

i'm president of the honor society. i ran unopposed.
at the end of the year, we got all of the new members' phone numbers etc. then maggie, the secretary, said she'd make an official list herself. ..fine.
then she calls everyone about graduation hours.
then she calls everyone about an opportunity to get hours by helping student council stuff packets.
CHRIST!
i'm the goddamn president! this is MY job!
what a shitty president i am. and i know it's because she's overstepping a little, but i still feel so bad.

my boyfriend is better at everything than i am.
he weighs 9 pounds more than me and is 4 inches taller.
he has a lower GPA and has a higher class rank than i do.
what the FUCK.
i'm working hard at a school with overly-high standards for nothing.
i could leave LVA and it wouldn't matter. why? okay, here's why. all of highschool matters for ONE reason. and that's college. daniel and i are going to the same college. we're both going to get in. I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THE HELL OF LVA FOR NOTHING. i didn't even get the classic highschool experience. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING MASCOT!

why couldn't i have realized this sooner?
i'm so unhappy.
i should transfer at semester. i can't take this anymore.

fuck. now i'm crying.
this is disgusting.

i feel like i'm not a real person. i feel like i'm invalid. i feel like i don't truly exist.
like i'm living in an alternative world, not a real one.
and/or like my friends are all real. everything around me is real. but i'm not.
i feel like i'm sloppy. that i'm a sloppy thing.
a sloppy, mismatched, invalid, nonexistant thing.

i wonder if there's a psychological term for that.

i hate going to bed feeling this way. i hate crying myself to sleep.

ya know, i cut my hip the other day because i was manic and just irritated with everything.
i think i may end up cutting again because i'm depressed and want to hurt myself.
usually i wouldn't because i know i'd feel guilty after anyway, but last time, i didn't feel guilty at all. i felt better.
so fuck, it's tempting.

i can't keep hurting this badly. SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE.

wow.

2005-08-17T00:46:21Z

i hate.
myself.
so much.

in other news, bri and i are having one of those weird moments, where we'd probably be raising our voices if we weren't online. but we're not really mad. it's interesting. this myspace chat thing is pretty cool.

my sister is making soup. she started it this morning and it's still not done yet. she had to make the chicken broth herself. my sister is weird.

sometime, rachel and i are making it down to starbucks.

and i need to take a shower eventually.

daniel forgot that he said he'd call me, and that made me sad. oh well. he also hasn't responded to the text message i sent. guess i shouldn't be bothering him on his trip, but i really was sad that he forgot me.

that's one.

screw me.

surprise! let's go on a 5 day vacation!

2005-08-06T11:17:50Z

so dad finally told me all the plans for our trip this morning/yesterday afternoon. and what i thought would be a 48 hour dealie is actually a trip that will last about 5 days and involves hotel-hopping.
it's a road trip like whoa: 2 ghost towns, 2 state parks, a hike up to lexington arch, and who else knows what.
dad said we'll probably get home on wednesday, but might get back tuesday. so tuesday at the earliest. i really don't think we can stretch this thing for 6 days, so my money is on wednesday.

so.. i'll be around, somewhere in nevada for a while.
i have my cell phone, call if you really need to. 1-702-340-6793. daniel has my house key to keep my animals company.
it's all good.

i have to get in the shower. we're leaving in about 45 minutes.
byyye! ♥

now you've got me thinking.

2005-07-30T20:15:40Z

about this eating business.

(if you're searching for my pro-ana resignation explanation, scroll down..)

today is saturday, and i always feel better on saturdays because of group. we had a small group today.. just me, melinda, dorinda, jessica, and debbie #2. sharon, of course. and 2 girls from unlv sitting in because their professor told them to see what support groups are like (they're nursing students). we actually talked about EDs the whole time, which is rare for a small, summer group day.

anyway.
i feel thinner on saturdays, for reasons unknown to me.
except, i feel fat like hell now.

my scale tells me i'm 105 or 106 pounds.
i think it's lying. ever get that feeling?
when i go to the doctor and they weigh me (their scales are always screwy anyway) i get the feeling i'm weighing in at 114 pounds or something.
and that's frickin' scary.

i wish i didn't care.
in group, i talked about how i eat so much at daniel's house and how i don't even care because i'm enjoying myself but i really care when i get home. and that i gained the weight back. and how i wish it stayed off. because it'd be nice to be a few pounds lighter.

i think the worst part of having an eating disorder is when you're trying to recover. because the whole time, the ED is pulling you back. you have to torture yourself.. because you can't seem to shake the mindset, but you're trying to satisfy your body's wish to be healthy. and you don't want to die.. so you're constantly unhappy. either because you're eating, or because you're not eating. you can't win. the entire eating thing is a sore subject.

but if you say "fuck it" and eat, you'll regret it later.
and if you say "fuck it" and don't eat, you'll regret that too.

and that's my stint about anorexia, because i haven't talked about it in a while.

O.O! wow.

2005-07-30T19:11:25Z

so last night, i posted a good-bye post to a pro-ana community i was in. i admit, i was annoyed and part of me was aiming to piss off some of the people there. someone said katie holmes wasn't that thin. a lot of people didn't seem to mind people searching to become anorexic/bulimic. a lot of things just wore on me.. i don't know. so i blew up.

and if any of the 3 people who responded to my personal lj read this, who are part of the community, i'm very sorry if i offended you. i guess i did mean to offend someone, but i was wrong to do that.

in any case, when i saw 3 people had added to that old post, i was scared and thinking, "ah shit, they're coming after me to bitch me out." what i found wasn't that at all.
one of the reasons i left the community was because i felt ignored. suddenly, people responded with things.. positive things.. about me. i was shocked, really.
and, one of the girls i was pretty interested in commented.

anyway..
i feel very guilty now. partly for leaving, and partly for lashing out.
i didn't mean to mock the disease. i didn't mean to sound like one of those "shut up and eat a sandwich" people. it's frustrating watching girls help other girls get more unhealthy.

i guess i'm making this worse.
anyway..
i won't be coming back to the community.
but i would like to thank those of you who commented.. and apologize if i offended them at all. and wish them the best of luck in finding happiness, however they come to find it.

pennsylvania!

2005-07-14T06:31:16Z

i'm posting this now because knowing me, i'll wake up late and won't have time to do this tomorrow.

i'm leaving for pennsylvania tomorrow afternoon! my plane leaves at 5pm, so we're leaving at about 1pm to pick up mom and then get to the airport with time to spare. we're flying the new hooters airline. :P what a.. um, hoot!
we'll get into allentown around 1am.
visit lafayette on friday.
do the whole grandparents' 50th anniversary thing on saturday.
go to dinner with mom, grandparents, and david on sunday.
fly back monday morning.
i assume i'll have a LOT of down time, which means lots of television and phone-ness. mom says that if my grandparents make me angry, i shouldn't yell back at them. i should just use their house phone to make long distance calls. :)

still, feel free to call my cell phone 1-702-340-6793. i never use my minutes anyway. just remember the area code.
if you call me, i'd LOVE you. ♥

i STILL have to pack, so i'm going to go run off and do that now.
just letting you all know where i am. one time, i was gone for a 2 day weekend and i got 3 instant messages right when i signed on, with people asking me if i was alright. so, i just wanted to let everyone know that the internet junkie hasn't died, she's just going to be in amish-country for a little bit.

and, just for fun..

me in 8th grade.. haven't really changed.

and camera phone fun:

pictures

2005-07-13T08:24:30Z

a few pictures from dance..

michael only had a warped one, so i warped it back.
from left to right: michael, julie, miss jackie, me, and i think that's mary. it's hard to tell from the picture, but i imagine that if it were maddy, she'd be much taller.

and in black and white, because it looked better.

me with my hips way out of whack. x.x god, ew. but i guess i have to show it, eh? anyway, michael had it warped and i think i did a pretty good job warping it back.

same thing, in black and white.

and, my warped version.

my favorite shape-y thing that looks hard but isn't.

and a red version.

and a less saturated red version for your enjoyment. :)

there are more somewhere, i'll post them when michael gives them to me.

daniel and all other nice boys are exempt from this rant.

2005-07-10T09:13:31Z

i've never had cramps this bad.
it feels like i'm going to die.

i almost had to pull the car over on my way home from group this morning. it hurt so bad and the pain was spreading into my thighs, it was getting hard to drive and i was getting dizzy and feared i might pass out. i got home okay, though.

i'm drugged up and i have a heating pad thing, but even with both of these, the cramps i still feel right now are worse than i've ever felt before in my life, without pain medication.

oh. my. god.

i can't sleep. i've tried. it hurts so much i just cry.

shiiiiiiiit. x.x

what did i do to deserve this? NOTHING should naturally hurt this much. what the hell. womanhood my ass.
i have the sudden urge to go around repeatedly stabbing guys in the lower abdomen and hitting them in the balls. over, and over, and over again. for 5 to 7 days. bastards better realize how lucky they are. if i ever come across one that belittles menstrual cramps, i'm beating the shit out of him.
men are fucking lucky bastards.

i think women should have a group of slave boys during the week of their period. like, 5 boys. who do absolutely nothing but give the girl whatever she wants and do whatever she tells them to make her feel better. if she feels like sending them out for food, then one of the boys gets up and gets food for her, even if it's 2 o'clock in the morning. if she feels like beating one up, then one of the boys just stands there and lets her beat him up because what he's feeling is NOTHING compared to the pain the girl is feeling. and if he's such a manly man, he can take it and keep his big, fucking lucky mouth shut.

women should make more money to compensate for all of this pain we feel.
every other pain out there is curable or is part of some disease. except our fucking menstrual cramps, which hurt more than anything related to any other illness i've ever experienced. this is so FUCKED UP.
i didn't do ANYTHING to deserve this.

i'm SO FUCKING ANGRY.
i want to hurt every man on earth right now, except the ones i love. if i don't know them, i don't care. i don't know them, so i'll give my pain to them. and then see if they EVER say anything bad about women again.

men should fucking WORSHIP women. because we go through a whole lot of pain and all they do is go through life feeling PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE.

men don't know what pain is.
they just don't.

this is so unfair.

to any men who read this... kiss your girlfriend's ass. ESPECIALLY when she's on her period. and admire her threshold for pain, because her's is 293457238762 times better than yours. and you're a god damn lucky bastard who has absolutely no room to talk. so keep your mouth shut and be nice to your girlfriend, or don't be suprised when she screams about how she wants to fucking kill you. i'd want to kill you too if you ever assumed you knew what real pain was.